Anger can often lead us to holding grudges, ill feelings and hate for people. We feel we have been badly done to and it is up to the other person to make the first move to reconciliation…. We end up in stalemate because often the person who moves to reconciliation first has to admit that they that they have said or done something wrong and have to say sorry or admit, in some way, that they were wrong (even though in their mind they were/are right).

Well if you don’t, you end up being very unhappy. I know someone close to me who held grudges for years. She was hurt by family members and they fell out. She never forgot the pain and hurt that this caused at the time. She was never able to move beyond what these people had done. Whenever she thought of this side of the family it was with bitterness, resentment and hurt. She kept it with her until her death bed. I could see how it was eating her up and making her sad, yet she would/could not bring herself to forgive them. It was sad to see her so unhappy when she could have been free from that hurt and suffering but “no” she wanted to keep hold of it…..

Poeple close to us can really hurt us.

In my life there have been times when I have been deeply hurt by people and one particular person I found it really hard to forgive. When I tried to talk to them about the hurt they would not for listen (and this is the one thing that gets me really angry – someone not listening when I am trying to tell them how I feel). So after 3 attempts of trying to explain how I felt I was left with the pain.

I was talking to someone, a good friend, about how I felt and I was trying to say that I did not want to be at odds with this person. I wanted to make things up with them but how could I if they would not listen? He explained that I had a choice. There is that word again – choice!

I could not change how the other person felt or thought. I could only choose what I was going to do. I could live with the pain and hurt and let it eat away at me inside. Every time I saw that person I would feel anger, rage and resentment and would want to avoid them because of those feelings. Or I could choose to let it go so I wasn’t consumed by the destructive, negative feelings I had for them. I could be happy and free in myself and not let my feelings be dictated to me by those around me. I would be taking back control of my feelings. What he said made sense but how do you do such a thing?

It is not easy. If we compare it to a big wound you have on your leg. You have to give it time and patience while it heals. If you are anything like me if I have a wound I keep looking at it to see how it is mending, what colours or processes it goes through. You give it attention. It is the same with a wound in your heart, you have to bring the hurt and pain to the surface and let it have space to heal. You have to admit that you felt wounded by what they said or did. You have to let the feelings out and name them – hurt, resentful, worthless, frustration, not listened to, not cared for, whatever they are….

Let those feelings of hurt rise, be expressed and let go of.

You then have to sit with each of those feelings even though it is uncomfortable and let it rise, express itself and then dissipate. Every time you do it the feeling hurts less and eventually the feelings go completely.  If you are a spiritual person or believe in a loving God then you can offer those feelings to Him and ask Him to help you deal with these hard and difficult feelings.

When the wound on your leg is healed there is no sign that it was ever there. It is completely gone. It is the same with the wound in your heart. Once the feelings have been dealt with you feel happier in yourself because there is no longer any negativity towards that person. Your heart can be full of joy and happiness again and you can love again.

After I had been through this process with the feelings I had towards the person who hurt me, we were both invited to the same birthday party. It was really awkward when we met. I was really anxious because I did not know if she would be funny with me or say something. I tried to be as natural as I could and had very little interaction with her. Actually, we were just civil with each other.

We have met at other social gatherings since and she is quite friendly towards me now. I thought it was all forgotten about because as far as I was concerned it was. We were both able to chat and talk normally about stuff. So moving forward 20 years, yes, 20 years!

This person was going to be doing some casual work where I worked and when my boss said that I would be working with her. She did not want to work with me. I could not believe it. When I told my boss what had gone on 20 years earlier she was dumfounded.

You can see the difference here between allowing those feelings to emerge, be dealt with and put to bed for ever or stuffed down inside and never given the light of day and re-emerge years later. When I thought about the situation later I felt really sad for this person, that she was still holding onto stuff from years and years ago. I felt light hearted in myself and thought well if she does not want to work with me that is fine by me, it is no skin of my nose.

Forgiveness is about making that first move towards the other person. It is admitting that we were wrong in some way and saying we are “sorry”. Sometimes, it is about physically going up to the person and saying it; at other times, like the incident above, I did not go up to her and say I was sorry. She hurt me, so in a sense I had nothing to be sorry for. I showed her that I had forgiven her, though, by the gesture I made. I did not hold onto the resentment, make a scene and tell everybody how hurt I had been by her. No, I was just civil to her. I spoke to her as if nothing had happened. Yes, there was an atmosphere between us because she did not know how I would react because the last time I had spoken to her I had lost the plot completely and my anger came out bit style and I think I frightened her. We have met a quite a few more times since then and can sit down and chat about how we are each getting on without any uncomfortableness or atmosphere.

Forgive/reconciliation is about coming together again being “re-conciled”. In order for this to happen someone has to make the first move. Someone has to be brave enough to say, “enough is enough” and take the initiative. This starts with ourselves, we cannot change other people, only how we feel and we react.  It is not always possible to say “sorry” to the people who we feel we have been hurt by and be reconciled, e.g. if someone has died for instance. That does not really matter because we are changing our feelings, our thoughts about the situation. We are changing and improving our own mental health.

There does not need to be a big heroic act, in fact, it is usually a small thing that is best.

So what is stopping you from making that first move? Saturday October 10 is Mental Health Day so why not think about what you are going to do that day to improve your mental health and those around you. Maybe you need to do one of the following:-

  • Look at those feelings within you and let them emerge and make peace with them;
  • Make a phone call to someone you have not spoken to for years and make up with that person;
  • Do an act of kindness to someone close to you as a move towards being reconciled with them;
  • Say sorry to someone.
  • Invite someone to a virtual “cuppa” with you and talk about things that need to be aired.

Don’t forget, I am also around if you need more professional help.