There are 5 anger styles – Aggressive, Passive, Passive Aggressive and Rage and Assertiveness.

Let me give a very short explanation of each before exploring rage in more detail. Aggressive anger is when someone explodes when they are angry. They don’t hold back and you know they are angry – it is like a volcano erupting. You could liken it to a child’s tantrum – a cry for attention. It is effectively saying my inner needs are not being met and saying “I am not coping” and “You are not meeting my expectations.”

Passive anger is internalised anger. This is the complete opposite of aggressive anger. In this style the anger is internalised, stuffed down deep inside. When we think of anger in terms of the fight/flight/freeze system then this person would run away. The passive internalises the anger and believes he/she is the problem and the inner discourse (self-talk) is “It is my fault and I am the problem.”

A passive aggressive is unwilling to directly express his/her anger. They secretly want the other to feel their anger and even express their anger for them. When the other expresses the anger, the passive aggressive then blames them for being angry. Ever been in a situation when someone has said something and then said “Can’t you take a joke?” or “lighten up.” Women can often be told to “smile, it might never happen” by men who would like women to respond to them in a certain way and is an expression of indirect anger.

Assertiveness – is the healthy way of expressing our anger. I have done I whole blog on this – https://counsellinginblackpool.comassertiveness/

Now I want to discuss rage in more detail. Rage, like all forms of anger, is a primal instinct that is there to protect us and is expressed when we feel threatened either physically or by a perceived threat. Rage can be described, in a simple way, as a period of extreme or violent anger.

When you are in a rage you become physically very strong. It is a high level of anger and your adrenaline, amongst other brain chemicals, soars.  You can have what feels like an ‘out of body’ experience, as if things were suddenly hyper clear and 3-D. You feel physically stronger than usual, even superhuman. Unfortunately this also means you can’t think straight and are less rational.

Rage and fury only arise when you are in true danger. They signal serious ongoing threats to your moral base, your sense of self, your health and even your life or the lives of others.

Rage can be expressed healthily. When I am cycling along in traffic and a car comes very close to me and I feel that my life is in danger and my instinct to survive kicks in, a rage comes over me. It is usually expressed by me shouting something at the driver. In this situation I am expressing my anger (or primal energy) at the right time, in the appropriate manner and in the present moment. I have reacted to the situation. I am still alive and I calm down and life continues. Incident over and dealt with.

It is when we don’t express rage in an appropriate way that it becomes unhealthily expressed. Often rage is about something that has happened to us in the past and we have not been able to process these feelings. This past could be 10 minutes ago, 10 hours ago or even 10 years ago. It is anger that has been locked into our body and psyche often since childhood. This rage can lie dormant for many years infecting our life and seeping out at various times.

“If the heartbeat is a vital sign of physical life, anger is the vital sign of emotional life.”

Sue Parker-Hall

The problem is that ignoring or avoiding this rage is that it can only be contained for so long eventually it is going to come out, erupt, like a pressure cooker. Passive aggressive people are prone to rage because they bottle everything up. You can think of rage as hot or cold. Hot or external rage does not respect those who refuse to deal with it and will expel itself when triggered. Cold or internal rage will eventually just eat away at the host. You could liken rage to a cancer living inside of you. If the root and reason for the rage are not expressed, it lies dormant and will eventually unleash its destructiveness on self or on others.

If we are people who express rage and fury often then we need to make friends with it because its function is to protect us. It is trying to tell us that something is wrong emotionally. We need to take a look at what part of us it is protecting. Why do we keep erupting? What is the trigger? Often it can be to do with shame or rather toxic shame or a past trauma that we are not reconciled with yet. Trauma is the Greek word for ‘wounding’. If you think of a wound, say a scab, on your leg in time if you leave it alone it will heal. However if you keep picking at it, opening it up it will never heal.  Think of rage as opening up an emotional wound within you.

The trauma comes from the wound of your needs not being met in your development. For example, when you were not seen, heard or acknowledged for who you are, when you were told you were a mistake or worthless; when you were told you would never amount to anything. When you were not understood or held when you needed to be.” You had to develop a way to survive this environment emotionally. In order to do this we build invisible (emotional) walls to stop anyone hurting us.

As an adult now we can try to undo some of the wounds that we felt. The more we can develop the capacity to tune into and listen to what our emotions (without judging them), the more emotionally adept we will become. By listening to our rage, or rather what is causing it, we can then start the healing process. If it is “you are worthless”, “a mistake”, etc. then we need to build up our own self-esteem and realise that we are worthy of love – our own love and those of others. We need to work on the wound by loving ourselves and this brings the healing we need.

This can also be done with the help of a loving partner who you can trust and start to share how you feel. Talking and sharing what is going on for you when you go into a rage can be really helpful afterwards. Trying to understand what set the rage off i.e. something that was said or the tone of voice; a certain behaviour, etc.

This can be painful and upsetting because it means opening those wounds again but this time doing it with someone who can hold you, reassure you and be alongside you, can make it easier. If you want an expert’s help in this I am a skilled counsellor who can also help in the healing process and help you to look at the past and make sense of the “now” and build a calmer future.

I can be contacted by

  • Email – ursula@counsellinginblackpool.com
  • Phone – 07821 691888
  • Website – www.counsellinginblackpool.com