It is very difficult living with someone else’s anger because you are often living on egg shells, trying not to upset the person. Never knowing when they are going to react at something you say or do or don’t do. Scared to say anything in case they take it the wrong way and start to be aggressive in whatever way they deal with their anger.

For some it is just shouting and screaming abuse, for others they become destructive and start smashing things around the house, whether that is by throwing things, putting fists through doors or whatever is close at hand. For others their aggression is inward but sometimes living with this can be worse because you are never sure when it will erupt. For erupt it will.

You can live in physical fear of your life with some people. It maybe that they are never hit you before but you are not sure that they won’t in the future. I had a client recently who felt like this. Her fear was heightened by the fact that he was quite a large man and she was only 5 foot tall. One swipe from him and she would be on the floor.

For some people their anger comes out “sideways”. They never tell people they are angry but it comes out in other ways. Do you know someone who forgets to do things, say “yeah but….” over and instead of doing anything? These people often sit around and frustrate everybody in their family. When you get annoyed with them or try to point things out to them they look and act all innocent “Why are you getting mad with me?” They ask, “I haven’t done anything”. Exactly!

It is very difficult living with people who display their anger in such ways. You are left forever feeling fed-up, worried, tense, wondering if it is safe to say anything, wondering if you do something (or don’t) will provoke a reaction. If you live with someone who is destructive you also have a home that is always in need of repair.

So what can you do?

One thing is for certain, you cannot change the angry person. Only they can address their issues and sort out what is underneath the anger. You will waste a lot of energy trying to get them to change.

What you have to do is to change your attitude and the way you deal with their anger. Take for instance the person above who sits around and frustrates everybody in the family. Their behaviour is what is getting you annoyed, is provoking your own anger. So instead of letting it make you upset decide you are not going to let it make you feel like that. What you have to do here is to change your “mind set”/your attitude. Decide that you are not going to allow it to wind you up. Think to yourself, “That is just the way they are. They are not going to change”. “Why should I allow them to get me so frustrated?”

Yellow angry faceThis does not happen overnight. It takes time but the more you think, “That’s just them.” You will find yourself being less affected by them because you have not allowed it to trigger your own anger.

Let’s look at this scenario.  You recognise the tell-tale signs of them getting angry – the foot/fingers tapping or that look on their face or just a very slight shift in their mood. You have not quite worked out what has annoyed them yet but you see/feel something coming. This awareness can give you time to think about how you are going to react/what behaviour you need to do.

So now your partner shouts and screams at you about the amount of money left in the joint account and is demanding to know where the money has gone. You know where it has gone – getting the car repaired and serviced. You know your partner well and past experience has taught you not to try and talk to them now as they will not listen. So what do you do? You have options/choices:-

  • Make an excuse to leave the house – “I am just off to see so and so…” and come back when they have calmed down;
  • Go into the kitchen and make a drink;
  • Just sit there and let them get it out of their system?

Any of these approaches stops you from both getting into a massive argument about money which then may lead into you both bringing in other things that have annoyed you – all those past arguments. This arguing gets you nowhere. Maybe one of the things you can do in this situation is to let them calm down. Don’t mention the outburst but when they are calm maybe you could say “Shall we sit down and talk about the money that came out of the bank account? Talk about the money (that is the problem) and don’t get into having a go at each other. That only leads to more arguments!

Talk about the problem rather than have a go at each other.

I am not trying to give marriage/relationship guidance here. This is not the time or place and there are many factors involved in relationships and how to communicate with each other and this blog is not about that. When we return to face to face counselling I will resume this working with couples and helping them to look at their relationships.

Other situations where your anger can be provoked is out on the street. One of my passions is cycling. I was out the other day and arrived first at a main road junction. There were 2 lanes for going straight ahead so I positioned myself in the middle of the left lane ready to go straight ahead. Cars started to arrive at the junction and stopping because the lights were still on red. A man from a car behind me shouted “Get to the side of the road” in an angry voice.

So there I am at the junction with an angry man in a car behind me. My thoughts/choices are, I could:-

  • turn round and shout something back at him;
  • turn around and just see who it is and be ready to avoid him if he decides to come too close or hurls more abuse as we move forward;
  • turn round and make a rude gesture to him;
  • ignore him.

I chose to the last option. Why? I often find this is the best action to take in these situations. I would not have gained anything by shouting, “Read the highway code” at him, or putting a finger up at him.  As I cycled off there was no repercussion. I carried on, on my way and forgot all about it.

So what if I had reacted? There would most likely be some sort of confrontation, shouting, or rude gestures, etc. After the situation is over you go over it if your mind and you can start to feel annoyed with yourself for reacting the way you did. You have let the other person’s anger control you and you have a really bad day.Yellow angry face

A similar situation is if someone shouts something as you walk past them or gives you a dirty look –  they maybe out looking for a fight and remember angry people can take things personally so if you provoke them even more you could be asking for trouble.

A lot of the techniques we use to control our own anger we can use to help us deal with others. Such as looking at the bigger picture – in the great scheme of things is this worth getting worked up about?; is this a one-off so can I ignore it – like my angry man in the car. This can also be applied to traffic jams – if the people around you are angry and hooting their horns – does this mean I have to join in?

Have a look at the techniques I suggested for looking at your own anger and see if you can use/adapt them to help you with others. If you need help I am here to give you more in-depth and professional help.