We are very good at categorising our emotions into good and bad. In her book The Language of Emotions Karla McLaren describes them like this.
“The socially accepted view is that there are good emotions and bad emotions. These categories have a bit of interplay, but basically, good emotions are the ones that make us easy to be around, while bad emotions are the ones that shake things up. The good emotional states are happiness, pleasantness, joy and some forms of sadness. Anger dips a little toe into the good category when it’s a response to injustice but the acceptable time frame for anger is a lot shorter than that allowed for sadness.”
“The bad emotions category is very large indeed. Sadness that last too long. Depression and anger are bad along with righteous indignation. Rage and fury are also bad. Fear and fear based emotions are bad – anxiety, worry, trepidation and panic, etc. Shame and guilt are also bad. We’re persistently trained and implored to express or, more often, repress our emotions so that other people feel comfortable.” (Partly paraphrased)
Men suppress emotions more
I think men are particularly prone to keeping their feelings to themselves and this is because it is often not masculine to express feelings. So from a young age boys begin to supress their feelings and are “told”, in subtle ways that it is feminine to express feelings and they are told to “man-up”; “big boys don’t cry”, etc. I ask you, why should boys/men not be allowed to express themselves? It is part of being human to have emotions and it is healthy to be able to name and own our feelings. So many men have learnt to bottle up their emotions and some to the point of not having the vocabulary to say how they are feeling. This leads to frustration and then anger and so a lot of men are seen as having anger issues when really they are just trying to express themselves as best they can.
Feelings are neither good nor bad they just are.
Having said all this about feelings being good and/or bad I don’t think you can categorise them like that. Feelings are just feelings and are neither good nor bad. Rather it is what we do when we are feeling an emotion that makes it good or bad. It is the behaviour we act out when we are feeling a particular way that makes it good or bad. For example, we cry when we are sad and that behaviour is acceptable; when we are angry we may throw something or shout but that is seen as not acceptable.
For the rest of this blog I am going to concentrate on how anger can be seen as positive.
Positive ascpetcs of anger
Anger can help to define who we are. We are all moved to get angry when our particular buttons are pushed, our triggers alerted. This leads us to express our anger is our own way, for some they go quiet and don’t say anything for others they scream and shout and for others it is throwing things. However, we express (and it is good that we do express it) it we are showing our own individuality, our personality.
Often anger can alert us to a boundary that has been pushed too far. It is our mind saying “No! I need to protect myself.” It is a basic survival instinct within us, inbuilt to protect us and keep us safe. Safe from outside predators, lions, (more useful when we had to hunt for our food) but also from fears that we perceive inside us – in our heads. We fear being made to feel worthless or useless.
These are our triggers alerting us that things have gone too far that we need to protect ourselves. They can be signals that something is not right. We are in need of something within us. This is where it is really important to have that personal awareness of what is going on within us. We need to become aware of what is happening just before we get angry – what am I thinking? What am I feeling? This way we can start to identify what those needs are that are not being met.
These “needs” can be pointing to something that has happened in the past that has made us feel a particular way now, e.g. remember when I talked about shame – that feeling that I am not good, feelings of worthless, uselessness. If somebody says something to me that makes me feel like this it is the anger is trying to flag it up for us. It is warning us that something is not right and needs to be looked out, e.g. maybe we need to take a look at those feelings of being worthless or useless.
Anger can lead us to wholeness
Another thing about anger is that if we take notice of it we can use it to facilitate our own wholeness as a person. If we can identify what those feelings are that we are protecting ourselves against then we can look at those feelings and talk about them and say, “This is how I feel when you say… or do…” We can be open and honest with our partner/wife and talk about those feelings so that you can be more congruent, more honest in the relationship. This then leads to growth in the relationship because it allows each person to grow to their full potential. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be more honest about how we are feeling about ourselves, our relationship and the world around us?
Anger can move us into action when we feel strongly about something. This usually is when we something unjust happening and it touches us at a deep level e.g. if we have been a victim of domestic violence we may use our anger to energise us to set up a new telephone support line or get involved in a local charity that helps the victims.
We can also use our anger to help us to keep healthy. If we find that we are tense a lot in our bodies we can find physical ways to get rid of this tension. This can be anything from going for a walk/run to going to the gym. Each of us will find what is best for us. When we exercise in this way our bodies release those “good feeling” chemicals into our bodies and this can help to lift our mood. When we exercise we also need to make sure we are eating the correct foods that will help us to maintain a healthy body so we can exercise. Also getting enough sleep is really important to help us with our anger. You don’t need me to tell you that if we don’t sleep well we can become easily irritated and grumpy.
I started off by saying that emotions can be split into good and bad categories but I think it is rather the actions that follow the way we are feeling that makes the emotion good or bad rather than the emotion itself. I then touched a little on how men have been taught to not show their emotions but to bottle them up and the reasons for this.
I have then explained how anger can be a good thing. How it can help us to be more attentive to what is going on inside of us – protecting us from being hurt; how it can make us more genuine in our relationships; how it can be a positive force against an injustice/hurt we have felt and finally how it can lead us to be more physically healthy which has the knock on effect of helping us to have a healthy mind as well.
I hope this has been useful/helpful. Remember I am here to offer any professional help you may need. Please do get in touch even if you just want to ask me something.
May I take this opportunity to wish you all a very good Christmas and a healthy New Year.
Ursula
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Sorry if that disappoints you.
Ursula
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