I want to talk about techniques or strategies that might be helpful for overcoming your anger. Before I go into specific things let’s look a few general things first.

Sleep

This is the one thing we need to make sure we get enough off to help us with our anger. Lack of sleep leads to tiredness, moods, irritability and impatience. Having a good routine for going to bed is important. For more information on this look at the sheet that Get Self Help do to help people get a better night’s sleep. https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/freedownloads5.htm Scroll down to the M-Z section and find the worksheet on sleep.

Exercise

Having some physical exercise every day is really helpful and it releases the “feel good” hormones in our brains. These help our mental health as well. I am not suggesting that you join a gym and do a full work out every day. A 20 minute walk is just as healthy (and cheaper). Why not get off the bus a stop earlier and walk the last part to your destination? Doing housework is physical exercise – hoovering, ironing, dusting – you are exerting yourself and stretching. If we are physically tired when we go to bed it also helps us to sleep. A win win situation.

Diet

What we eat is also important. Certain foods are better for us than others. Lots of processed food is not healthy and neither are lots of ‘take aways’. Fresh fruit and vegetables are the healthiest and are often cheaper in the long run. Think of your body as a car – if you want it to run well you have to look after it; put oil in it and water. You need to take care of it if you want it to run well and last a long time – it’s the same with your body. Things will stop working (illness) if you don’t look after it.

We know our early warning signs so now we have to make a choice.

Awareness is the key. Now we have become aware of our triggers those early warning signs – how we are feeling; what we are thinking; how are we behaving? I discussed this in an earlier blog but it is worth being reminded of how important it is. Going back to the analogy of the car. If it starts making strange noises or stops working we have to find out what is wrong with it before we can fix it. Before we can “fix” our anger we need to know what the cause(s) is.

Red rag to a bullOne of the worst things that people say to us when we are angry is “Calm down.” This is more like a red rag to a bull and from my experience is the last thing someone who is angry wants to hear. Often people tell me that things like, “Count to 10”; breathe in for 5 and out for 7, don’t work either often because people don’t think of it at the time. It does not readily come to mind people tell me.

So what does work ……?

Reminders – A good and easy thing to use to help you changing your thoughts and behaviour are post-it notes. Put them on your wardrobe door with the positive thought or different behaviour on that you want to think of or do. Move the note around to different parts of the house once you begin to “not to notice it”. Also have a copy of it in your pocket. During the day when you are out and about and you put your hand in your pocket you will feel the piece of paper and you will think “Oh yes, positive thought or a different way of behaving.” It is just a reminder. You don’t have to take it out and read it; it is just a trigger to remind you of that positive thought or alternative behaviour.

In all the examples below I am working from the stance that you realise that you are getting angry and need to do something. You have a choice in what you do. You can take control and chose what you want to do – it is Your Life take responsibility for it.

Walk away – if you are in a pub you can just walk away from the situation. Some people say this is the cowards’ way out but ….. Which would you rather happen?

Scenario 1 – you stay. You argue, you end up in a fight and the police are called. You are taken to the cells for the night – you may be cautioned; may be charged with disturbing the peace; GBH, murder (depending on how bad the situation becomes). You then have the police/courts to deal with for the foreseeable future.

Scenario 2 – you walk away. You get a load of verbal abuse for 5/10 minutes (called a coward; not a proper man; chicken and chicken noises) as you leave the pub. Maybe in the future you will get some more abuse but it will soon we forgotten. You can go home and that is the end of the situation.

Think of something else.

If you are stuck in a queue in a shop or stopped in your car because of a hold up you can chose to get irate and annoyed because you have to wait or you can look around you. Start looking closely and noticing what is around you. What is on the shelves next to you in the queue? Sweets; magazines; tins of fruit; beans? Take a closer look and really notice. If you are in the car, are there houses about? What is in the gardens? Are there many people walking around on the street?  Look up at the sky – sunny; cloudy? Take a closure look at what is around you and really notice it.

What you are doing here is taking your mind off the thing that is annoying you, taking your mind off what is causing you to get angry. You are purposefully looking at the things around you and taking more notice of your surroundings. This calms you down and the queue goes down and the traffic starts to move again and you are away and you are calm.

Using “I” Statements.

This goes back to owning and stating our feelings. (Awareness and Anger Part 3 – Emotional) https://counsellinginblackpool.comanger-and-awaren…part-2-emotional

When you are talking about how you feel about something you can use “I” statement. You are just stating how you feel. For example, I get upset/angry when you treat me as though I am worthless….  Rather than ……    You make me angry when you treat me as though I am worthless….

When you use “I” statements you are saying what is going on for you, you are not attacking the other person as the last statement seems to. In the second statement you are saying that it is the other persons fault and herein lays the start of yet another argument ……

With “I” statements you are just stating your feelings and not blaming anyone. Hopefully, you can then have a discussion about what is going on for both of you without it becoming a slanging match again.

Trapped in a meeting and getting angry?

If things are not going well and you know that you are going to say/do something you know you will regret, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. This gives you a bit of breathing space to calm yourself down and to think about what you are going to do next. Do you need to say something and do you trust yourself to say it without sounding or getting angry? What will help? (See Using “I” Statements below). Could you ask that you finish the meeting and re-convene at another time and say why “I can feel myself getting angry and I don’t think it is good that we continue just now?” This will depend on the type of meeting but you will know if this is a possibility.

Cam we talk about this later?

When you feel yourself getting angry could you say “I am starting to get angry, can we talk about this later when I have calmed down?” (See “I” Statements) When you do talk later the important thing to do is to talk about the problem. What is the problem and how can we resolve it, what are our options? etc. Don’t use this time to “have a go at each other” and to start blaming each other for what has happened. This will only get you into another argument and won’t solve the original problem.

How does the other person see it?

We can be angry about something and feel you have good cause to be but what about the other person, have you ever considered it from the other’s point of view? For example, you have a wife/partner and 2 young children, aged 2 and 5. You always go out drinking with your friends on a Friday and are always tired and a bit hung over on Saturday when you wake up, late. You are also out playing darts/football on Tuesdays and Thursday nights. On Sunday afternoon your mates come round to yours in the afternoon and don’t leave until half way through the evening.

One day your wife/partner gets really angry with you when you get up even later one Saturday because you have made plans to go to zoo with the children. She is angry because she has promised the children that they are going to the zoo and daddy is coming with them. The children wake up early and have been really excited all morning and your partner/wife is now getting exasperated because you have not got up and the children are getting cranky and annoyed because they are having to wait. You are angry because your wife is nagging you to get ready quickly so you can go. You are not in the mood to go to the zoo and can’t see what the big deal is and then start shouting at your wife/partner to leave you alone and stop having a go at you.

Your wife/partner suddenly bursts into tears and is upset and angry at the same time. You tell her to shut up and to stop making a big fuss about things. The children then start to cry because Mummy is crying. In the end your wife/partner gets the children in the car and goes out to the zoo alone. You are left at home, alone.

She is still upset and annoyed with you when she gets back. She says that you need to have a talk and although you don’t really want to, you agree to it. When the children are in bed you sit down and your wife/partner tells you that today was the last straw. She feels that she is a single mum bringing the children up. She has them all day whilst you are at work; 3 nights of the week you are out; she never see you until late on Saturday afternoon or on Sunday afternoons and evenings because your friends are round; you never help with the children on the nights you are in; never hep with the house work and that they never do anything as a family. She tells you that she is fed up; lonely and constantly tired because the children are in to everything and she can’t leave them for a second.

You suddenly realise why she is so upset and angry with you and you feel ashamed for not being able to see what was going on around you. You tell her that you are sorry and that you never realised what was happening but you admit she is right and that you need to change your behaviour and help her more and think more about your family.

The following day you get up when she does and helps out getting the children’s breakfast and are more responsive with them. You play with them whilst she does some tidying up. When your friends come you tell them that they can’t stay late and you send them home early.

You have listened to why your wife/partner got so angry, frustrated and annoyed with you and seen the situation from her point of view. You were able to sit, listen and hear what she had to say, why she really lost her temper and anger with you when she never has in the past.

Bigger Picture

When you start to get angry ask yourself the following questions “Is this worth getting worked up about? In the great scheme of things is this important? Will it matter tomorrow, next week, in a year? Somethings are worth pursuing and sorting out but when someone calls you a name when you are walking down the street? Or cuts in front of you in the car? Is that such a big deal?

Writing Things Down

Some people find it really helpful to write down what they are thinking. It can be quite cathartic – a way of getting the anger out of you. If you just write as it comes, not worrying about spelling or grammar. Just write whatever comes. When you have finished go and have a cup of tea and then come back and read over it. This can be a great way of finding out what is going on inside of you. Afterwards you can choose to burn/shred it or keep it and see how you feel in a month/2 months times. You don’t have to share this with anyone. This does not work for everyone.

This is not an exhaustive list and one thing I have not mentioned here is Mindfulness. I have discussed how useful this can be in other blogs so I don’t want to repeat myself. I have tried to give you few ways that might help you. What works for one person may not work for another. It is a matter of finding what works for you. All I have done is try to give you a few examples to help you if you are totally stuck as to what might help you.  I am here to help so please get in touch if you would like some professional help.

More help and information.

I have worked with people who have had anger issues for the last 10 years. I have run Anger Management Courses; 6 week course of 2 hour duration. During these sessions  I worked in more detail with people on what I have covered in my blogs.

I also work with clients in the counselling room helping them to look at what is below the surface of their anger and helping them to identify their triggers and look at how they can move forward. How they can change their thinking and their behaviour so they are not as angry and can make peace with whatever is underneath their anger.

If you think this would be useful for you please do get in touch

 

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