I thought I would revisit this but look at it a bit more generally rather than going into a lot of detail about each aspect. If you want more detail on each aspect then read the earlier blogs, I have included the links. This is a more general view and touching a little on how we can break out of this circle. First of all let us remind ourselves how the circle works. Something from the outside world triggers a thought which touches an emotion deep inside of us. This feeling leads us to have a reaction – our behaviour. Unless we look at what is causing the trigger we continue to go round and round in this vicious circle.
Thoughts
https://counsellinginblackpool.comanger-and-awaren…-part-3-thoughts/
Examples that lead us to react can be – “They think I am stupid”, “They are ignoring me” and “They think I am worthless”, etc. Catching our thoughts is the hardest part of breaking out of the circle because it seems to come and go so quickly. The emotion it evokes is more overwhelming and more easily identified. However, it is possible to “catch” this thought. When we look back at what was happening just before we had the angry outburst we can identify what led to the thought – did someone say something to me? Is it always the same person/event which causes it? When we reflect on the events just prior to the outburst we can start to glean some understanding; a pattern to our behaviour. This reflection gives us self-awareness. An anger diary may be useful to help you to identify our triggers. This reflection time is the key to finding out what is going on just prior to us reacting. IF we can understand the trigger we can do something about it.
Angry people tend to be negative thinkers. Their antennae is set to look for negative however if you can start to look for the positive this will help us become less negative. When we think “They think I am stupid” we can think “Well, that is just their opinion and everyone is entitled to their opinion.” Or, “They are ignoring me.” We can turn this around and think “Maybe they just did not see me.”
Emotions
Examples – sadness, hurt, shame, guilt, worthlessness, not good enough, etc.
https://counsellinginblackpool.comanger-and-awaren…part-2-emotional/
The way we feel about a situation depends on how we react to it. For example. Two people are sat near some water talking. They can’t see the water but are very close to it. As they are talking one of them starts to get splashed. At first it doesn’t bother them but as they carry on talking it gets worse and they start to get more and more annoyed and angry. In the end they get up and go to the water’s edge ready to shout at whoever is splashing about in the water and soaking them. As they look over into the water they see someone head down in the water and their arms splashing around in the water. They realise the person is drowning and immediately starts to help the person out of the water.
At first the person was angry and irritated at getting wet but as soon as they realised that person was drowning they immediately saw the situation differently and acted differently. They didn’t stand on the edge of the water and shout at the person for drowning. They felt sorry for the person and tried to rescue them.
At first we just use the word angry. “I was so angry, frustrated, irritated”. Yes, you probably were but sometimes being able to see the situation from a different angle can help us to react differently. One of the ways of breaking free of this circle is to try and see the situation from the other person’s point of view. If someone is really angry there could be lots of reasons for it – they could have received bad news that day; someone they know may have died; they may not be feeling well. If we can see the situation from their point of view we may not get angry but may feel compassion or sorrow for them. We may be more understanding and caring towards them.
Behaviour
https://counsellinginblackpool.comanger-and-awaren…part-4-behaviour/
Examples – hitting doors and/or people, verbal abuse and throwing things, etc. When we are angry we want to lash out; this feeling wants to express itself and because we are feeling in a horrible place our behaviour is negative. We want others to feel our hurt and pain and so we can be abusive, destructive and hurtful and it usually directed at those around us. This type of behaviour is frightening for the people on the receiving end of it and devastating for those who have to live with the damage done to their home. After the eruption the person feels bad about what they have said and done because that sad and hurtful feeling is not as raw and the person is back in a more rational state of mind.
I had a client who rang me up feeling really frustrated and angry with a service he had rung to try and get some help with his anger. He had left messages and no-one had returned his call. This had gone on for a week and eventually on the Friday he rang me and we made an appointment for the Monday. I could see he was really wound up and tense. I suggested teaching him a breathing exercise which he agreed to. When we had finished he said “I didn’t know something as simple as that could have such an effect.” He felt so much calmer and relaxed. He said he was going to do it every day. That was the beginning of a long journey for him. We explored where his anger stemmed from – the way his father had brought him up – right up to him having the courage to go and talk, face to face, with his father about his life and the affect his father had had on his life choices and the way he was taught to deal with conflict. By talking it all through he could see why he reacted the way he did and then he could start to change his behaviour. He was no longer caught up in his anger. It was no longer controlling him. So unless we can resolve the issues, like this client did we will never break out of this vicious circle. We will keep on going round and round.
The first step is to realise that you have a problem with anger and you want to do something about it.
The second step is to become a bit more reflective, take a bit of time out to become a bit more relaxed. Learn a breathing exercise that works for you or try a bit of mindfulness (living in the present moment). This will help you to be a bit more reflective.
Maybe use an Anger Diary (Downloadable from my website) to see what is happening just before you got angry. Try to see if there are any patterns to your anger. Is it just one person who angers you? What is it about that person? Is it the way they speak to you, e.g. tone of voice, demeaning? Is it a situation you find yourself in and this makes you feel small, intimidated? There could be a host of situations and reasons. Every one of us will have our own triggers/buttons and we need to find out what they are. Once we know what it is that is causing us to react the way we do we can begin to do something about it. We now know our triggers are and with this new self-awareness we can realise when we are getting angry. We can recognise the physical sensations we feel when we are starting to react.
The third step is to see that you have choices in how you react in a situation. As you grow in self-awareness you realise that you are getting angry you can think to yourself “What am I going to do?” Am I going to erupt as I usually do or can I do something different? I discussed techniques we can use in an earlier blog. We realise that we don’t have to behave in the way we have always done. We can do something different, walk away, change our thought pattern – she does not really mean “to put me down”. This new behaviour does not happen overnight. It takes time and practise but it will come and after a while you will realise that you are not as angry as you were before. Sometimes it takes others to see the change before we do. Those closest to you may see that you are not as angry as you used to be.
These are only general steps that will help. If you want someone to help you look at your anger I have available sessions and I am flexible in the times I can offer. Please do get in touch, I want to help you.
