When I was teaching this was always the hardest part for my learners to do. To actually pin down what they were thinking. Our thoughts just come and go and there are so many of them trying to catch them can be really difficult but with time it can be done.

Thoughts can make us feel angry, but often people who have a problem with anger do not notice these angry thoughts. It is important in trying to gain control over our anger that we begin to recognise and challenge those thoughts. We call these thoughts ‘Hot thoughts‘. They flash into your minds and make us feel worse. Each of us will have a set of thoughts that trigger things off for us. Whenever these thoughts come into our head we react.

People tend to have similar thoughts happening again and again, for example:

  • “I am so stupid”
  • You’re making a fool of me”
  • “You’re selfish”
  • “I want to hurt you”
  • “I hate this place”
  • “You’re not listening”

 

You may have one of these or similar ones. Being able to recognise what thought triggers your anger is important. These thoughts always tend to be negative and they are touching something deep within us which triggers an emotional response for example, a feeling of sadness, hurt, guilt, or rejection.

Taking things personally

 People who are angry often take things personally and feel hurt by it. They look for and expect criticism from other people. If, for example, if someone doesn’t speak to them in a shop they may feel that person dislikes them, when in fact it may be, that he or she is just shy or worried.

Or

If someone looks over at them they may think, “He thinks I’m stupid” when in fact the person is just glancing over without any such thought. They may just be looking in that direction but day dreaming and never even noticed the person.

What is happening is that you are putting thoughts into the other person’s head. Thoughts that are not there and when they do not get the reaction they expect they feel hurt. They feel shunned personally and think that there is something wrong with them.

Another thing that angry people do is to Ignore the positive

 People who get angry tend to focus their thinking on negative or bad events and ignore positive or good events. This is often a problem for people who get angry with those close to them. For example, a partner may moan about their partner never helping with the shopping and not notice that their partner always tidies up.

Or

A partner may argue that their partner never helps with the washing or ironing and does not notice that 5 days out of 7 they make the evening meal.

Their minds seem closed to anything positive. All they see is the negative and they don’t seem to be able to see beyond this. This can be really difficult for their partner because they are helping in the house but it is never noticed or acknowledged and this can lead to resentment and anger from them.

People who become angry often expect too much from themselves or those around them – Perfectionism.   If the person’s standards are not met, then they feel badly let down and hurt. This hurt then becomes anger.

For example, a partner does the washing up each night but because they do not stack the dishes in the “correct” way their partner becomes angry and feels let down because they have not done it the way they should have been. They consequently feel let down.

Or

You have a good friend and you enjoy doing things together. You go for a cycle ride and you reach the top first and you always have to wait for your friend and you get annoyed because they can’t keep up with you. You hate waiting and want your friend to be able to cycle at your pace.  As your friend is not as good/perfect at going up hills you get angry with them and feel let down and hurt.

 

Once you have been able to “catch” your “Hot Thought” you then need to work out a more balanced thought. Not necessarily one that is positive but one that is more balanced. If we take the example “They are not listening to me again.” A more balanced thought would be “At other times they listen.”  The idea is to keep the balanced thought quite short because you want it to jump into your mind as soon as you have the negative thought. You don’t want to have to think or try and remember a really long sentence because that would take too long and you only have a split second. It takes a lot of practice but it really does work and is worth putting the effort in.

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Below I have given you some example to get you started.

 

Angry Thoughts

  •  “He is looking at me and thinks I’m stupid”
  • “They always let me down”
  • “They never keep up with me”

 

 Balanced Thought

  •  “I don’t know what others are (really) thinking”
  • “Sometimes they behave badly but mostly they are OK”
  • “She is only a few minutes behind me”

 

Just another thought on thoughts (if you will pardon the pun).  When we get a thought in our head we need to ask “Is this Fact or Opinion?” If it is ‘Fact’ there is evidence to support it is truth; it cannot be disputed; it is driven by rational thought and it comes from the head. Opinion on the other hand is a personal view; it is arguable; it is driven by and reinforced by emotion and it comes from the heart.

Let us look at an example.  What words might we use to describe this picture?

Picture of a drill

Fact

(Evidence based)

Opinion

(Varies, personal view)
·         Electric drill ·         Dangerous
·         Blue and black ·         Light blue/dark blue
·         Used to drill holes ·         Scary
·         Can add different drill bits ·         Ugly

 

You cannot argue with the facts. It is a drill!  You cannot dispute that. It is a drill and is used to make holes, etc. However, whether we like or dislike drills is our opinion, some people may have had a frightening experience with a drill so may now find them scary and dangerous– this is their opinion. It is personal to them. To see more go to https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/factopinion.htm

Our opinions are emotionally charged. At stressful times, we tend to be driven by our emotions and opinions, which create a vicious cycle by fuelling each other. Our emotions strengthen our opinions, which in turn, intensify our emotions. To read more about this go to website – Get Self Help – https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/factopinion.htm

In the same way, we can have many varied opinions about the same event or situation. How many times have you heard the same story told to you by 2 different people but it sounds slightly differently? We all see events differently based on our own opinions and prejudices.

In the same way, individuals can have many varied opinions about the same event or situation. If someone we know walked past us without saying hello, we might think, “they deliberately ignored me”; “she’s being snooty and rude”; “they didn’t want to talk to me because they don’t like me” and so on. These are all negative thoughts that we have put into our heads and could lead us to feeling upset and react in ways that are unhelpful.

The only fact is that the person walked past, anything else is opinion – our own personal interpretation of the event. The reality is that they just didn’t see us.

 

If you feel it would be helpful to talk more about this with someone qualified to help you please give me a ring 07821 69188 or email me – ursula@counsellinginblackpool.com.